In my contacts with Mayport Naval Base, I was informed of a serious problem that many Navy veterans who served on Destroyers have been reported having. Those veterans who served on
FLETCHER CLASS DESTROYERS such as the
HAZELWOOD are especially prone to the problem.
This affliction is serious and is known as
PDSB or
POST DESTROYER SERVICE BLUES.
Even though it is serious it can be cured, but requires help from the TIN CAN SAILOR’S family plus his own perseverance and cooperation.
Here are the things that must be done to rid your self of
POST DESTROYER SERVICE BLUES.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
6. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
7. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say, "
Sorry, wrong rack."
8. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "
Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
9. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Announce loudly "
Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"
10. . Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
11. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "
Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
12. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family,
"This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in the paint locker!"
13. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
14. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
15. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
If none of these cures relieve the afflicted TIN CAN SAILOR of the symptoms of
POST DESTROYER SERVICE BLUES, there is one last thing that can be done that is guaranteed to work.
RE-ENLIST !
